September 7, 2024

Tillson, NY – Someone has voluntarily agreed to take the hand of a professional viola player in marriage, according to a source close to Submediant who wished to remain anonymous.

The wedding takes place this weekend in upstate New York, marking the first time on record a freely consenting adult has chosen to tie the knot with a person who has spent the majority of her sad life sawing into an awkwardly large piece of carved wood sticking out of her neck.

The violist – Brooklyn woman Isabel Hagen – has reportedly spent the last decade moonlighting as a stand-up comic, making this weekend’s wedding even more improbable. As an urban-dwelling, joke-telling classical musician often seen dressed in concert black, Hagen had all the makings of a perennially single cat-lady destined to spend the rest of her life gazing at her own reflection on New York City shop windows and eventually dying alone in obscurity.

According to sources close to Hagen, she once openly mocked the institution of marriage in her standup act, and seemed too invested in securing her place within niche subcultures of the gig economy to ever grow up and start adulting like the rest of us.

Hagen’s groom is said to be Will Canzoneri, a rock star who experts say could likely get any woman he wanted, yet elected not to cash in on his inherent coolness and instead will forge an unbreakable bond with a woman who once participated in a 9-hour-long piece of performance art for a sleeping audience.

Considering Canzoneri’s baffling romantic preferences, some have speculated that he may be suffering from a rare mental disorder in which the most undesirable partners – such as somber 30-something women who have championed the music of German contrapuntist Paul Hindemith – are perceived as wife material.

In a Submediant survey of leading experts from across the field of behavioral psychology, all were at a loss to explain why the keyboardist from Vampire Weekend would ever vow to have and to hold someone whose only hickey came from a passionate night spent practicing Carl Philip Stamitz’s Concerto in D Major.

Puzzled observers have been left with only one explanation for Canzoneri’s feelings, however unbelievable. It must be that, against all the odds, violist Isabel Hagen is a remarkable human being; kind, caring, loyal, smart, and funny – famously so; insanely talented and humble (no joke); someone who is always striving to better herself, realize her highest potential, and bring an abundance of beauty and laughter into the world through her incredible gifts. Canzoneri, it turns out, is a very lucky dude.

Congratulations to Will and Isabel!

Someone Actually Willing To Marry A Violist